From the Private Collection

These are just the ones I like the best out of my collection. None of them are obscene or gross, which I really don't like, but there is one that is funny which could go down to just a bit crude. (It's the medical item at the bottom for anyone who wants to go straight there, or to avoid it.) So I am really happy to caution that this site does have some slightly mature content. It only seems goofy and immature.

When George Burns was 93, he was at a party. It was after midnight and he had a whiskey in one hand, and a cigar in the other. Somebody asked him "What does your doctor say about your lifestyle?" and he said "Oh he died long time ago."

A pessimist and an optimist are both falling off a very tall building. The pessimist is having a horrible time all the way down. Every floor he goes by, he thinks "Oh my God, only 99 floors to live," or something like that. But every floor the optimist goes by, he says "Well, so far so good."

A blond is slowly getting suspicious that her husband is cheating on her and she is really upset. She goes out, buys a gun and puts it in her purse. Sure enough, she comes home unexpectedly a few days later and catches him with another woman. She pulls the gun out and puts it against her head. Her husband says "No, don't do that." "You shut up!" she yells at him. "You're next."

Karen is whimpering in her bed and doesn't want to go to school. "The teachers hate me. The students hate me. They give me way too much work." Her mother tells her: "But Karen, you have to go to school. You're the principal."

Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that at death, the soul leaves the body and gets stuck on a roof somewhere.

Men Will Never Change

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Stuart

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first guy turns to the other one and says "You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense it carries you back into the window."

The Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing. The second guy says "What? Are you insane? There's no way that could happen!" "No, it's true" said the first guy, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him in the window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second guy is astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must've been a fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again" says the first man as he jumps.

Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges downwards, his body hits the pavement with a loud splat.

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says: "You know, you're a real bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Get outta here!" she shouts, "They're for the funeral!"

Dear Tide Company,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband . What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son, and actually there are a couple of passages I've been wondering about anyway." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as divine intervention and released the priest.

Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.

The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what your problem is."

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE... SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

Four men walk into a bank carrying violin cases. They open them up and 3 of them pull out sub machine guns. The last guy pulls out a violin. One of the guys with a gun looks at him and says "didn't you get my email?"

Justice prevailed here today, and good triumphed over evil, but my client and I plan to appeal.

Have you ever just blurted out a plea in a courtroom and wished you could take it back?

The closest most human beings will come to perfection is in their job interview and to help with that, here is a bit of advice. Never take a beer to a job interview, and don't ask if they prosecute employee theft.

Dr Dave had intimate relations with one of his patients. It was important to him not to have that happen in his career but just once one thing led to another and now he is feeling down and embarrassed.

Fortunately, he has a small voice working to cheer him up. "Don't even worry about it. You're not the first doctor this has happened to and you certainly won't be the last, and besides you're single so nobody even cares. Just forget it."

He is starting to feel just a bit better until another really mean little voice reminds him: "But Dave ...you're a veterinarian."