How to Run an Elevator

At work I operate an old passenger elevator that doesn't have buttons, just a crank that you turn one way to go up, and the other way to go down. (And try not to get them mixed up!) It is a little unique. There can't be too many jobs where you actually could be replaced by buttons and it would be a big improvement. It is one of the last passenger elevators needing an operator in North America, but I understand there is one still running in Europe, in Dracula's castle. On Halloween we don't even have to decorate ours.

The outside doors are similar to the ones on a modern elevator, but the inside one is a sliding gate made up of vertical brass rods. They are getting bent from people pushing and pulling on them for hundreds of years to open and close it, but I do have a plan to straighten them out. All we would need is a car jack, a 2 by 4 and a few cases of beer.

Even though it is an office building, when I come up to a floor I'll sometimes make an announcement like the old department store elevators, "8th floor, shoes." One woman asked "Where's men's lingerie?" That had the extra drama it needed to take over from shoes. If there are guys on it's usually fun to add "And they're looking for models!"

One of the guys was clear about the fashion. "It wouldn't work for me. I prefer wearing ladies' lingerie."

Besides that department, one of the floors has ticket sales and offices for what used to be the Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra. Unfortunately their name change was not at all well publicized and I've had to fill people in. "Did you read the notice about the CPO name change?" (So far not a single person has.) "They've had a budget cut and they are now the Calgary Philharmonic Trio." The runner up choice at the accounting department was the Calgary Philharmonic Jug Band.

I do have a stool to sit on and that turned into a bit of fun too. The version I tell to the men is "I've found a way to make women really happy. When they get on the elevator I say 'Oh good, I need a female opinion. What do you think, should I rearrange the furniture in here?' On the downside I am stuck for a long conversation."

It did get suggestions that went beyond furniture, from "you need some pink in here" to "a mini bar in the corner," which I thought had potential. The last one was added to very quickly. "Then people could at least pick up a drink on their way in to work," and "if work gets to be a bit too much, I could just ride around in the elevator for a couple of hours." So overall, it sounds like such a good idea I expect we'll have one shortly.

We have 2 elevators and most of their features are set up as mirror images of each other. This is a really good idea. It is a bit of exercise to open and close the gate and doors. I had a bit of pain in my back one day that made it a little difficult to open and close the sliding gate so I switched to the other elevator where you use your other arm to open the gate in the opposite direction. This completely took care of the problem for me.

Sometimes people ask "Why are you using this elevator? Did the other one break down?" (Not at all unlikely.) A quote from Milton Berle usually helps to clear things up. He was explaining one time "They say that sex is great exercise and it is, but now I need something to build up my other arm." And of course if you just run one of the elevators, you wind up with the same problem.

When someone pushes the call button on a floor a small light lights up at the front of the elevator by a column of floor numbers. I promptly go to the floor, open the doors and say "Whadaya want?" They give me a floor number and I check my map to be sure I'll be able to find it, and then we are off. When I get to the floor, first there is a really happy "Oh good, we made it." Then I have a chance to practice my motivational speaking as I open the doors. "Now get out there and get to work!"

Often enough I will pull up to a floor just as someone is reaching for the elevator button. "I just had a hunch you were going to need the elevator so I came right over." Sometimes I have to add "The guy that got off had nothing to do with it."

There is a brass pedal on the floor that lets the outside doors close when you step on it. I did very specifically ask for a brake pedal, but so far that's all I've got.

Some of the operators remember which floor most of the people work on. I do have a photographic memory, but with problems. The lens cap is glued on, the little button that you push is stuck, and there's no film in the camera. (Mine isn't digital.) I might frame a notice that says "If you think the post office is bad with addresses, just try not telling me your floor number." If I can get it translated into Latin, it might make a good union motto.

Most people do say their floor number when they get on the elevator. In appreciation I sometimes mention "It's time all this 'hi' and 'how are you' stuff was replaced by numbers anyway. We are right on the cutting edge of etiquette here." One person waved goodbye as he got off the elevator and said "Fourteen." He is from the prosecutor's office and can obviously think on his feet, so we might not want to mess with them right now, but if you want I can let you know if he retires or transfers.

When it starts to get late in the evening and elevator traffic has slowed down, there is a desk on one of the floors where we can keep a cup of coffee company or catch up on the paperwork, but unfortunately you can't see the call lights on the front of the elevator from the outside, so somebody put a mirror on the back of the elevator. A couple of the women do know what it is for and make use of it regularly, but it is held in place by a bit of a contraption, so it does raise questions. Bill Tuttle came up with a great explanation. "Oh, that's in case we have to back up."

And Rick Adams seems to actually enjoy greeting people for their first ride in the morning with: "Just think, only 8 hours to go."

There are only 8 floors in the building, and a ride between any of them doesn't allow for much of a conversation, but it is usually enough time to tell a joke. I'll limit myself to just one here. Did you hear why Ella Fitzgerald refused to marry Darth Vader when he proposed? She thought she could handle the evil forces stuff just fine, but she really did not want people calling her Ella Vader.

This joke gets quite a variety of responses, from a groan that I could even consider that funny to people leaning back to laugh. If they do enjoy it I sometimes add "Tell it at a party, nobody gets it." It's the only joke where I've ever noticed a difference between the sexes. The women tend to enjoy it more than the men. (I suppose that would be because of their superior language skills, would it Honey?)

People do say thank you quite often. "Oh, I just do it for the money, and to stay on top of all the latest technology." Sometimes sir is added. "You can't call me that. I work for a living," or once in awhile "You mean like the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table, Sir Cumference?"

People really enjoy being told they look honest. It's funny somehow and on top of that it's a lot nicer than most of the things that we hear said about us before that little talk at our funerals, which darn it, we tend to miss by just a few days.

If they are coming in after hours and are entitled to but didn't know they had to sign in: "You do look honest. It's just that we are having a competition to see who can make the most people sign in, so there is just no way around it." It has had some surprisingly pleasant responses. "And I want you to win" as the person signs in, or "Would it help if I signed in twice?" and so far hasn't had a follow up question.

After they get to work, they might want to run out and pick up a coffee. They sometimes ask if they have to sign out and then sign back in when they come back with it. They don't but the way I enjoy explaining that is "Well, everyone else has to, but you look really honest."

One thing the job has given me is the occasion to wonder why it is a good idea for women to go through doors first and get on and off elevators first, and to my surprise come up with a simple answer. It did help that I've seen the system in efficient action so many times. It's because they're faster.